Measuring success.

Posted on February 6, 2012 by admin

At different times in my life I have measured success in varying ways. A good grade in school, seeing my writing published, a win on eBay, getting married, getting divorced, the fire department arriving in time, having healthy children, an interview gone well, buying a home, finding the perfect gift for someone, hearing the word “benign,” not throwing up when I was thisclose, finding the little black dress…

I told you it has varied.

I have made lists to add up my successes and lists to cross them off. I’ve celebrated them quietly and sometimes alone and also loudly and pompously with friends. I have prematurely claimed success when it wasn’t success at all and I have completely failed to note successes when they have sat right here beside me; their legs intertwined with mine.

Lately, with even more change on the horizon, I’m trying to re-examine what success means for me. I am reminding myself to find success in smaller moments too; to allow myself that sense of accomplishment in the finer chunks of time that, in hindsight, carry just as much importance.

If not more.

A little over a week ago, success was in the face of my nine year old son who saw his Pac-Man cake for the first time. This past week, it was managing to take care of very sick boys while being sick myself. Saturday night, it was having the boys sit on the couch and over-analyze the UFC fights with me. Today, it won’t only be in starting a new job, but in letting go of the guilt that goes with it.

There is so much change. And for someone who struggles with the very idea of change, I will count each and every one of my accomplishments – huge and ridiculously small – giving myself credit for every moment I acknowledge and embrace as I face each new thing that comes our way.

This, I hope, is success.

Nine.

Posted on January 25, 2012 by admin

Nine years ago you changed my life completely. Nine. I choke on that word. I can’t believe how grown up you are.

Nine years ago, you gave my life an entirely new purpose, filled it with meaning that has kept me strong in weaker times and began teaching me the difference between what’s important and what can wait. I realize it’s my job to teach you, but the truth is, you’ve taught me even more. You’ve taught me about love and gratitude, about Japanese Zeroes and the solar system, about building forts, beating Mario Bros. levels and compassion.

I keep telling people that you’re really coming into your own lately. But that’s not true. You’ve always known who you are – even at a very young age. You’re stubborn, incredibly smart, logical, have a sarcastic wit about you, the gears always turning, a fantastic brother, a natural leader and a sweet, old soul who is wise beyond your years. But lately, you’ve grown more sure of yourself, gained a bit of much needed confidence and the dimples that have returned to your cheeks make me so very proud.

I am extremely proud of you.

I know. It’s not cool for me to say it. You don’t like to hear it. But it’s important that I tell you anyway.

And E, I know this has been a rough year or so. You have been so strong and helpful and honest. I love that. I owe you the same. So just know that while I can’t always get you everything you want, I promise to give you everything you need.

I love you E-man. Happy, happy birthday.

Love,
Mom

______________________
*Song: The White Buffalo’s “The Pilot”

2012: Facing the front

Posted on December 29, 2011 by admin

photo credit

I don’t particularly care to look back on this past year and recollect or reminisce about the good and the bad. In brief, I had hoped for better and I’m grateful it wasn’t worse. And while the weather, in general, was great — it was a hell of a storm.

I don’t know if I’m just that hopeful about 2012 or if it’s that I just need to have hope in 2012, but thank god 2011 is over and the feeling of starting anew is here – even if it is more symbolic than tangible.

Normally I’m not one to set concrete resolutions but I’ll admit to having a few for this coming year. Nothing too lofty; just a few items I would love to check off for me.

_ learn to skateboard with my boys
_ go back to Manhattan
_ learn Russian fluently
_ visit Savannah again
_ learn to play the guitar
_ land a great job
_ learn to dance in the rain

I know. The last one is incredibly cheesy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read the quote: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” and thought “yeah, yeah, yeah” while rolling my eyes, heavy with cynicism and ill with cliche.

Then, after coming across it for the eleventy billionth time the other day, after having a hard day of trying – and failing miserably – to suck it up, it sunk in. The words actually meant something. The quote finally and suddenly resonated and I realized how much it pertained to me right now, in this very moment in my life.

This – right now – is my storm. But I’m no longer bunkering down or looking for a place to hide from the ominous clouds. I refuse to stay inside where it’s easy and safe any longer. Instead, I’m going to face the front. I’m going to seek out the puddles and splash though them. I’m going to get my feet wet, let my mascara run and learn to love to dance in the rain.

And play guitar. And learn Russian fluently. And a number of other things.

And I’m ready.

Two places to call home

Posted on December 16, 2011 by admin

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde

I’ll be honest. I kind of fretted over this Charlie Brown-sized Christmas tree. I fret over a lot of things these days – some warranted, but most things not so much. In all honestly, this little three-and-a-half-foot tree was what the boys wanted. It’s what they picked out. They were proud that they could pick it up themselves. (“See?! I can lift it!” Followed immediately by demonstrating their ability to throw it too.)

Well, okay. If that’s what they really wanted.

Truthfully, it would be easier for me too. It would fit better in the apartment, it would be easier to keep from falling and it would be easier to haul out to the trash the day after. So we bought it. They decorated it in two minutes flat. One box of lights was enough to light it up. And, embarrassingly, it wouldn’t take eight thousand gifts beneath it to make it look like the Christmases they are used to. “You know, when you guys weren’t divorced and everything was still normal” as they often reference.

It stings.

For the first time since the separation my youngest screamed and cried to go to his dad’s house instead of stay with me. Arms straight out, crying for his dad not to leave him, me trying to put him back in his bed and not be completely broken right then, right there in front of him, so incredibly hurt as his father reassured him that he would get to come ‘home’ in two days.

But this is his home too, I thought. This apartment, a fucking nice apartment at that, is his home too. They have beds and books and toys and clothes and everything they need here. They live here too.

After finally getting him settled down and asleep I padded back out to the living room, feeling completely shattered, only to see that little Christmas tree still cheerfully lit. I wanted to throw it away. Just pick it up and throw it as far as I could. I shook my head, the lights blurring. Was it just an apartment-sized Christmas tree and not a home-sized one? Is that why the boys wanted a little one? Because they would have a ‘real’ one at ‘home?’ I yanked the plug from the wall and the lights went dim.

A day or two later I came across a quote I’d seen years ago about not worrying about the size of your Christmas tree because in the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. I looked back at the photos I took of them choosing their tree. They were so proud to pick out that tree; it was all theirs to decorate and do as they pleased with it. And I realized that this apartment is no different. It might not be where they started out their childhood, but it’s where they’re also growing up and it is their home. It’s theirs to live in and play in. They got to help pick it out and decorate it and make it their own too. And it’s just going to take a little while for them to see how lucky they are to have two places to call home.

Friends with Benefits – The real life ending

Posted on December 13, 2011 by admin

Did you see the movie Friends with Benefits? (It’s the one with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, not to be confused with the very similar movie No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman – a That 70s Show one-up-man-ship of movies with almost identical plots. To save you time, I will say that in my opinion, FWB clearly outshines NSA in humor, setting and helllllo! MILA KUNIS! Can you say girl crush? Rawrrrr!) This is where I should be like “Hey! Spoiler alert if you haven’t already seen FWB,” but honestly, if you can’t guess how this movie ends, well, REALLY?

I loved FWB. It was funny, it was set in Manhattan and you wanted to be Mila’s character, Jamie – strong, I-don’t-need-no-man attitude, successful, sexy and able to effectively manage a friends with benefits scenario and without coming off slutty. The chemistry between Mila and Justin was intense and the no bullshit beauty of “Jamie” and “Dylan’s” arrangement would have any audience convinced that a friends with benefits situation just may be worth a shot in real life.

It was like for once the producers got it right.

Except. Oh wait. No they didn’t.

Because what’s a perfect Yes! This! movie without a Hollywood ending that immediately ruins everything that had you nodding in agreement before it? Where I was once hallelujah-ing and amen-ing, I was suddenly what-the-fucking and scrunching up my nose and shaking my damn head. Seriously? The cheesiest of all Oh-My-God-I-Really-Do-Love-You-After-All endings was before me.

Ugh.

Dear Hollywood,

For once, get it right. Don’t give us the ending we’re rooting for; the ending we wish we could have. Give us the ending we know too well. The ending we can expect. The only reason we hope for these bullshit Grand Central embraces and firework explosions is because YOU make us think it happens that way. And not just sometimes, but every time. Just one time, show us a friends with benefits scenario where the girl starts to have feelings for the guy and he freaks because, uh, that was never the deal. Or where a guy and girl are BFFs, that’s all, and suddenly the guy has feelings for the girl and she doesn’t feel the same and it makes her back off. Sure, you’re in the MOVIE business. But that’s LIFE. And? It’s never being accurately portrayed on the big screen. Hell, call it a documentary if you want.

Love,
Me

‘Cause here’s the deal. Ever since I saw FWB I’ve interrogated my friends in their various life scenarios (married, single, divorced, everywhere in-between) about it – the whole idea of a friends with benefits scenario leading up to that damned perfect ending… and you know what? We call bullshit. Because when is that ever the ending? That’s the dream.

You want to know why ‘casual’ has a ridiculously amazing fail rate? Here it is: Because 90 percent of girls, 90 percent of the time, are only willing to sleep with a guy they have at least some sort of feelings for. Maybe it’s just an initial attraction. Maybe it’s things in common. Whatever. And for most women, sex has intimacy ties. Therefore, thereby, howto, forego, those slight feelings for Mr. Casual are only going to be amplified when you bring sex into the equation. [Sure, I'm making up the percentages, but trust me, they're not that far off.]

Now scientists, researchers, every day women have long surmised that men, on the other hand, are better at compartmentalizing things in their brain. Sex can just be sex without co-mingling those damned emotions. So when a guy says ‘just sex’ he actually means it. A woman may want to mean it but can’t always help but feel more. [We don't compartmentalize; we tangle everything together. If you bought us a dress and it's too big it's because you think we're fat because the other night you turned the lights off before coming to bed to have sex doggy-style so you didn't have to look at our face. See?]

So guess which sex ends up feeling burned in the end? Yeah.

Wake up, Hollywood. Not every romantic comedy should end Happily Ever After. That’s what fairy tales are for.

I believe in ____________.

Posted on December 11, 2011 by admin

What do you believe in? From the religious to the silly, to the must-have’s and the oh-please’s… Simplified, significant, sweet or straight-forward… Finish the sentence in the comments. And you can answer as many times as you want.

I believe in __________________.

I’ll go first.

I believe in love. Still.

I believe in the importance of amazing friends.

I believe in good coffee.

I believe in the power of telling a story through a photograph.

I believe in making wishes.

Your turn.

Letting go of what could have been

Posted on December 9, 2011 by admin

It took a while but I finally put all those things away. The things that reminded me of him. Of us. I put them in a box and inched it up on a shelf, standing barefooted and on tip-toes, pushing the memories of him and I up out of reach; finally out of sight from every day glances.

I should have thrown them away – those little nothings that I still hold onto – rather than put them somewhere for me to stumble upon on some unsuspecting day. But something about them – something about him – keeps me hostage and I find myself hanging on still.

I can’t seem to let go of what could have been; the proof in that box up in the closet – rather than the dumpster – and I make a promise to myself that I won’t sift through the sadness and buy into the blissfully blind beginnings that are captured in there but instead learn from them. They are tangible pieces of a time that was never real – as though I’d dreamt of the sea only to wake up smelling of the ocean; a mirage so vivid that on some days I still can’t discern whether it ever actually happened or not.

Where pictures of Then were once pinned against the wall, new squared photographs of memories with no bitter aftertastes now stare back at me from behind my computer; symbolic four-by-four inch infomercials promising happier outcomes are possible! But I shrug at them dejectedly. Gorgeous sunsets and significant places, my favorite things in snapshots, and my face falls, defeated. Because it’s not the same. It’s not then. It’s not there. It’s not him. It’s not now.

It’s over.

Channeling Eleanor Roosevelt

Posted on November 30, 2011 by admin

I’ll be honest: I clearly had no idea what I was getting into when I threw out the Operation Eleanor 30 Day Challenge. And that’s probably a good thing because had I any idea of how hard those thirty days would be, I don’t know that I would have had the courage to take them on. But then, that’s kind of the whole idea of OpEleanor now isn’t it?

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” And I was tired of living in fear. Tired of taking the easy way out. Tired of not trying new things and avoiding the more difficult scenarios in life if there was a way to duck out. So it was on. I was going to do this. Bring it, Eleanor.

Then I casually threw out the challenge to you. And to my surprise, you showed up and you did so in a big way. Suddenly this personal little challenge became something more; something very meaningful to not just me – but to many – and it took on a life of its own. Wildly inspiring #OpEleanor tweets were coming and going, courageous blog posts and ping-backs were floating around, motivational quotes were everywhere, and, best yet, a small community of people sprouted, encouraging and congratulating one another on accomplishments big and small.

And while it may have started with an inspirational quote by Ms. Roosevelt, in the end, it was you who gave me courage, made me rethink what I did, kept me going when I wanted to hesitate and got me through thirty amazingly terrifying yet liberating days.

So, thank you. More than you’ll ever know.

In the month of November, I:

asked for help from family
applied for jobs
confronted someone who had hurt me
got back to baking fondant cakes
returned to the bank where my sister was held-up
stuck-it-out though an evening I desperately wanted to flee
flew on an airplane
took a trip on tight budget and stuck to it
jumped a fence at a brewery to get a photo I really wanted
asked for assistance from a stranger
admitted a humbling truth to myself
said everything without holding back in case it was my only chance to do so
talked about the skeletons in my closet
got out of bed and faced a horrible reality
networked with friends
said the things you’re not supposed to say out loud on my blog
held my ground even when I didn’t want to
got over my fear of doing holiday cards & took the boys’ photographs
stopped avoiding my friends who cared and sat down & talked with them again
let the boys go to Disneyland with my parents without me
sent a total shot-in-the-dark email for something I desperately wanted
finally moved my blog to wordpress, without worrying about losing 4+ yrs of posts
started MMA classes for me
tackled a touchy topic with family
went on my 1st job interview in forever
faced the infamous Hill in MMA – the only girl – and didn’t quit
returned the stuff I bought for a trip that was, apparently, never meant to be
agreed to run a Ragnar marathon in October – a bucket list item!
let someone back into my life
‘blegged’ for a good cause
did bench presses at MMA – a huge fear of mine because of my aneurysm
went out with new people instead of waiting around for someone else to not show
cooked my own Thanksgiving dinner for the first time ever
faced my ex-extended family for the 1st time in over a year
had a frank conversation with a friend, realizing it’s “gut-check time”
set boundaries and stuck to them
rehearsed what I need to say, even though I wish I didn’t have to say it
applied for my passport
finally asked the name of someone I speak to every day
decided I have nothing left to say to someone who can’t hear it anyway
started xmas shopping even though I am having a hard time getting in the spirit
pushed myself harder than ever physically
inquiring minds asked a friend to find out more
put my own ideas out there with enthusiasm and confidence

What’s weird is that prior to November 1st, I had made a list of a few ideas for fears I could attempt to tackle during OpEleanor. But you know what? Almost none of them made this list of what I accomplished because, as it turns out, life had its own challenges planned for me. I still haven’t learned to ride a bike (soon!) and I didn’t go out to lunch by myself just because and I still have never had Thai food or tried a Zumba class. But this is the lesson, at least for me, in all this. This, is life. You don’t get to pick what scares you; what challenges you on a daily basis. But you do have the ability to pick and choose how you handle those fears. And I know for me, this Operation Eleanor 30 Day Challenge will forever change the way I make decisions. I can no longer hesitate and go the other way; instead I pause and a voice inside my head taunts me “Yeah but… OpEleanor!” And there we go, it’s on. All over again.

Thank you, Eleanor.

A give-and-you-shall-receive giveaway

Posted on November 24, 2011 by admin

If you follow me on The Twitter you might have noticed that I got all philanthropist on you lately in the name of an organization called Feeding America which is doing ridiculously amazing things to help feed families in America. I came across them in Real Simple magazine and while the cause is worthy all on its own, what really struck me was how such a small donation could have such a profound effect on so many.

A $1 donation will help feed 8 families. Eight.

Then I read some of the sickening facts on hunger in America on their site. It was startling. I looked up my local food bank in my area (you can too on the website) and saw just how many pounds of food per year – more than 16 million in my supposedly cozy suburban So. Cal community – are being served thanks to Feeding America and its partners.

Knowing what I know now, I couldn’t not donate.

I have a hard enough time explaining to my boys each year why we donate toys to Toys For Tots and Spark of Love. Why there are some kids who wake up on Christmas morning and don’t have gifts – nevermind families who don’t have food to eat… Right here in our own community. Right here in America.

So today, as we sit down with our families on Thanksgiving, thankful for all we have today and everyday, I’m going to urge you to consider donating $5 to Feeding America so that 40 families who don’t have enough food to eat on any given day, let alone a feast on Thanksgiving, might have something to eat tomorrow because of your generosity.

If just 5 of you donated $5 to Feeding America, that would equal 200 meals for families.

If 20 of you donated $5 to Feeding America that would equal 800 meals for families.

I understand money is tight for so many this year. It’s no different for me. But I know that I can give up a venti holiday drink at Starbucks one time and there is my $5 donation.

To up the ante, ~~I am going to give away a $25~~ my good friend Emmie and I are giving away a $50 Starbucks gift card to one random person who donates to Feeding America between now and this Sunday, November 27, 2011 ending at 9:00 pm PST. For every $5 donation you make to Feeding America, please leave one comment on this post as an entry. (For example, for a $20 donation, please leave 4 separate comments, etc.)

Please be sure to also visit the fabulous Jett Superior who is my partner-in-crime in this giveaway-goodness, hosting a giveaway all her own on her blog in the name of this fantastic cause.

If you decide to also blog about this cause or if you do a giveaway, please link up below. You can follow Feeding America on Twitter here, following along and re-tweeting by using the hashtag #giveameal.

And if you and your family need help this year, that’s what Feeding America is for. You can find out how they can help you here.

Wishing you a very happy Thanksgiving.

{Megan}
__________

UPDATED:

First, a huge thank you to everyone who donated, shared this post, tweeted/re-tweeted, Facebooked and more… Remember that Feeding America needs donations year-round, not just Thanksgiving time, so if you’re looking for worthy causes to support, check them out.

Just from the comments on this post, we surpassed my goal of donating enough money to provide 4,000 meals… donating $530 which provides 4,240 meals to hungry families in America. Additionally, people have tweeted and emailed me without commenting, so who knows just how much we’ve really accomplished. I do know one blogger, who wishes to remain anonymous, donated $700 though her company who then matched her donation ($1400), providing another 11,200 meals alone. Donations big and small, they all count so thank you so much.

I used Random.org to find a winner of the $50 Starbucks gift card…

And the winner is…

Congrats Nicole Elizabeth!

And thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who was so very generous!

Operation Eleanor: Halfway point

Posted on November 15, 2011 by admin

“I believe anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experience behind him.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

Have you googled Eleanor Roosevelt quotes? Take two minutes to read through just a few of the great things that woman said (nevermind the amazing things she did) and you will understand why she’s our muse for Operation Eleanor – hence the name. Very inspiring to say the least.

And speaking of which, here we are now at the halfway point (how many of you are both breathing a sigh of relief like YES! HALFWAY! while also thinking DAMN! ONLY HALFWAY?!) through Operation Eleanor and I have to say what started as a mere whim of an idea has grown to be so much bigger and greater than I ever imagined. I never thought it would be more than a personal project for me but now that all of you are on board and blogging, tweeting, emailing all these truly inspiring victories (and god only knows the accomplishments you’re keeping to yourselves) I find myself more motivated and inspired and encouraged and accountable than ever. And that’s a really good thing.

It’s never too late to join in on the Operation Eleanor journey or to create your own. This is a personal project that everyone has done a little something different with… You don’t have to blog or tweet about it or even publicly declare your participation. This is your thing. But there is a great little group to connect with if you need or want it. (#OpEleanor on Twitter)

Most importantly, you need to know that your success will not lie in accomplishing 30 or 20 or 10 or even 5 specific things along the way. Those are just numbers and goals. The success will be in overcoming your own hesitations and fears, changing the way you think and make decisions about everything from the very serious and heavy to the silly and what-if variety. And there will be times when your success will come from “failing” to succeed at goal A, B, or C because the truth is, just yesterday, you wouldn’t have even attempted it. Your success was in trying. Give yourselves credit, give yourselves breathing room and give yourselves some slack. No one is keeping score, so you shouldn’t be either.

This will probably be the cheesiest thing you’ll ever hear me say on this blog, but I am really proud of all of you. I know how hard this month has been for me and I’ve only heard slivers of your challenges — and I am in awe. Keep going.

Undomestic Diva

Doin' the best I can… When I feel like it

Category Archives: Why So Serious

I believe in ____________.

A give-and-you-shall-receive giveaway

Operation Eleanor: Halfway point