And there I sat, car still running, air conditioning blowing furiously, in the middle of the Trader Joe's parking lot, finally letting go of an idea that was apparently only destined to be that.
It was an awkward place to be sobbing the full-body, shoulder shaking cry but the tears relented, not caring who was second-glancing into my driver's side window as they push their rambling carts past.
The truth is, I couldn't be her. That girl. The one who waited. And he, well, I was foolish to trust he would ever be him – the one who did what none of the others ever have. Through trembling lips and a shaky voice I cursed myself for believing in the Hollywood ending when god knows experience has warned me about the dangers of having hope.
I shook my head, wiping away tears with a rogue Starbucks napkin lying on my dashboard. God, what I'd give to get those hundreds of footsteps back, emotionally embedded in the carpet as I paced on the phone telling inquiring minds how he was different. He was better. He was smarter. He was kinder. He was good for me. We were good for each other. It just… it just worked.
This would work, right?
But really, I was the idiot. I was the fool. I was just an option, not a priority for him. In the end, I wasn't enough.
It was the hardest thing I never wanted to do – to walk away when all I wanted was to grab on and make him love me the way I thought he could. The way I thought he would. The way I thought he might. But had he loved me the way I needed he would have never let me go.
Right? Isn't that what I'm supposed to tell myself? Right.
Yet here I sit, unable to get over my feelings of inadequacy and burn-out, my eyes tired, my heart wrung out, angry for being me – the girl who loves too hard, too fast, too blindly when I should know better by now.
You are MORE than adequate for your boys, MORE than adequate for yourself, MORE than adequate for your friends and we LOVE you, M. LOVE you.
Love hard.
Love fast.
Love blindly.
There is nothing wrong with those things – ever. They hurt, but when they result in good, they result in GREAT.
xoxo
HUGS. It’s so hard to walk away when we know we have to do so…but you’re 100 steps further down your own path now, closer to the real magic that you will find.
It is like you jump into my head and write what I am thinking and feeling. I am sorry for your pain. I hope that you know, you are good enough, you are smart enough and you deserve to be loved genuinely, truly and wholly. You are beautiful, smart, successful and worth loving and pursuing. I know I am a stranger. I feel your pain as I read what you write. I may feel it strongly because I am in a similar spot. Others will tell us that it will get better. I believe them. Let’s believe them together and help others once we get through this. It sucks it truly does and I am sorry.
Knowing you deserve better… that’s a tough pill to swallow, but so worth it in the end. Because, you most definitely do deserve the best! Now put your fancy shows back on and take steps in a new direction. xo
Awww, lady. *HUGS*
Indeed, you’re another hundred steps on your own path now. & Hundreds of steps richer in experience.
Live it. Love life.
You got this. ;p
Months and months and months ago . . . I’m pretty sure it was you . . . who posted on fb “when someone shows you their true face – believe them” . . . I didn’t want to believe how true those words were when I read them . . .
It sucks girl. It plain out shit tastically sucks balls to not be loved when we want and how we want and from the man we want. I hear you. I feel you. and I hurt for you. Well. With what I have left over from hurting for me. I’m a selfish bitch that way.
xoxo
Damn girl, you have me in tears–tears for you and your pain and for the many times I have been in your shoes (and sadly so many of those times were with the same person)
I know it may not ease the pain but know that you are not alone and that so many of us have been right where you are right now.
You are so much more than enough, you are amazing!
Sending you much love and hugs xoxo
You’ve been on my mind like a wild burning forest fire (bad analogy, but hey, it’s true), and I want you to know that I know what you are feeling. Not that it helps, but please know that you aren’t alone.
I don’t want to minimize what you are going through, but I do want to tell you that it gets better. Slowly, but surely. I promise.
I promise.
I admire you <3
Standing your ground, knowing you deserve better and not settling for less are difficult in relationships, but gosh what strength of character those traits are! Character that you will demonstrate for your boys. So going forward, hang on to that character, that strength, and if you ever have a moment of weakness, think of those boys and the example you want to set for them.
You are doing great!! I know it hurts now!!!! But it would distroy you if you continued to be treated like “an option”. You’re too strong for that. . . and worth SO MUCH MORE!! The priority.
never, EVER be an option. you are, and deserve so much more.
Better to have your “come to Jesus” moment before you waste any more of your precious time on someone who obviously doesn’t deserve it.
better to love to deeply than to harden your heart and never let anyone see the magnificent, real you.
(((hugs)))
It’s amazing to me how you can use your words to bring up genuine emotions in me. I have been there. I have tried to make too many men to count love me the way I wanted to be loved. You’re right to walk away when it’s not there. But don’t be afraid to love hard, love fast, and love blindly. Someday, he (where ever he is, whoever he is) will love you back, faster, harder and more blind that you ever thought possible. Because, YOU…deserve that.
Oh, dear heart. I want to smash the idiot who was too foolish to see just how amazing you are for hurting you. I know it hurts right now, but you’re right: YOU DESERVE TO BE A PRIORITY. You DO NOT deserve to be an option. Never. You’re so much better than that. Love you. <3
What can I possibly say that hasn’t been said already. The funny thing is that we’ve never met in person but ever since I read your post about the kitchen explosion and going to the hospital and telling them you’re pregnant with your 3rd, well, you just won me over. And the way you write Megan, GDI you are an amazing writer!
However trite this may sound, I believe it in my heart: you are too much woman for just anyone to handle. But you will find him and it will be glorious! Don’t give up!