Nine.

Posted on January 25, 2012 by admin

Nine years ago you changed my life completely. Nine. I choke on that word. I can’t believe how grown up you are.

Nine years ago, you gave my life an entirely new purpose, filled it with meaning that has kept me strong in weaker times and began teaching me the difference between what’s important and what can wait. I realize it’s my job to teach you, but the truth is, you’ve taught me even more. You’ve taught me about love and gratitude, about Japanese Zeroes and the solar system, about building forts, beating Mario Bros. levels and compassion.

I keep telling people that you’re really coming into your own lately. But that’s not true. You’ve always known who you are – even at a very young age. You’re stubborn, incredibly smart, logical, have a sarcastic wit about you, the gears always turning, a fantastic brother, a natural leader and a sweet, old soul who is wise beyond your years. But lately, you’ve grown more sure of yourself, gained a bit of much needed confidence and the dimples that have returned to your cheeks make me so very proud.

I am extremely proud of you.

I know. It’s not cool for me to say it. You don’t like to hear it. But it’s important that I tell you anyway.

And E, I know this has been a rough year or so. You have been so strong and helpful and honest. I love that. I owe you the same. So just know that while I can’t always get you everything you want, I promise to give you everything you need.

I love you E-man. Happy, happy birthday.

Love,
Mom

______________________
*Song: The White Buffalo’s “The Pilot”

30 day photography challenge {photos – week two}

Posted on January 2, 2012 by admin

I’ve joined a bunch of others – bloggers/Twitterers/Internety people – in a 30 day photography challenge. Some are using DSLRs, some point-and-shoot cameras… Me? I’m doing all my photos via iPhone for fun.

Here are my photos from week two. You can see everyone’s photos here. Or follow the hashtag #TDPC on Twitter or Instagram.

day eight – a bad habit:

day nine – with someone you love:

day ten – a childhood memory:

day eleven – something blue:

day twelve – sunset {the last sunset of 2011, fittingly enough}

day thirteen – with thirteen things:

day fourteen – eyes:

Upcoming week’s themes: silhouette, long exposure, technology, your shoes, something orange, bokeh, faceless self-portrait…

2012: Facing the front

Posted on December 29, 2011 by admin

photo credit

I don’t particularly care to look back on this past year and recollect or reminisce about the good and the bad. In brief, I had hoped for better and I’m grateful it wasn’t worse. And while the weather, in general, was great — it was a hell of a storm.

I don’t know if I’m just that hopeful about 2012 or if it’s that I just need to have hope in 2012, but thank god 2011 is over and the feeling of starting anew is here – even if it is more symbolic than tangible.

Normally I’m not one to set concrete resolutions but I’ll admit to having a few for this coming year. Nothing too lofty; just a few items I would love to check off for me.

_ learn to skateboard with my boys
_ go back to Manhattan
_ learn Russian fluently
_ visit Savannah again
_ learn to play the guitar
_ land a great job
_ learn to dance in the rain

I know. The last one is incredibly cheesy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read the quote: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” and thought “yeah, yeah, yeah” while rolling my eyes, heavy with cynicism and ill with cliche.

Then, after coming across it for the eleventy billionth time the other day, after having a hard day of trying – and failing miserably – to suck it up, it sunk in. The words actually meant something. The quote finally and suddenly resonated and I realized how much it pertained to me right now, in this very moment in my life.

This – right now – is my storm. But I’m no longer bunkering down or looking for a place to hide from the ominous clouds. I refuse to stay inside where it’s easy and safe any longer. Instead, I’m going to face the front. I’m going to seek out the puddles and splash though them. I’m going to get my feet wet, let my mascara run and learn to love to dance in the rain.

And play guitar. And learn Russian fluently. And a number of other things.

And I’m ready.

30 day photography challenge {photos – week one}

Posted on December 26, 2011 by admin

I’m joining a bunch of others – bloggers/Twitterers/Internety people – in a 30 day photography challenge. Some are using DSLRs, some point-and-shoot cameras… Me? I’m doing all my photos via iPhone for fun.

Here are my photos from week one. You can see everyone’s photos here. Or follow the hashtag #TDPC on Twitter or Instagram.

day one – self-portrait:

day two – what you wore today:

day three – clouds:

day four – something green:

day five – from a high angle:

day six – from a low angle:

day seven – fruit:

Upcoming week’s themes: a bad habit, someone you love, childhood memory, something blue, sunset, yourself with 13 things, eyes.

Happy Holidays…ish

Posted on December 23, 2011 by admin

I just couldn’t decide between the MERRY! JOY! FA-LA-LA-LA-LAH! EVERYTHING IS BLISS! type holiday card or one that was… well, us.

Just like I always tell my boys, honesty is the best policy.

Wishing you and your families happiness, health & most of all: patience this holiday season.

Love,
Megan & the dudes

30 day photography challenge

Posted on December 19, 2011 by admin

I’ve seen this on Pinterest and thought it was a fun idea but kinda pushed it off because oh my god, when am I not neck-deep in photos? But then I saw Monique of Razing Mayhem tweeting about it and, well, it’s just more fun to do something like this when others are doing it too. So, here I am jumping aboard the 30 day photography challenge too.

If you want to do it, you can link up here. Day 1 starts tomorrow (Dec 20) and you post your photos the following day (giving everyone time to upload, edit, what-have-you). I will probably post my photos for the week at the end of each week rather than daily – just because it’s easier. Monique also put together a Flickr pool just for this so everyone can share their photos there too. Be sure to join it if you’re participating!

You don’t have to be a professional photographer to play along or even own a fancy camera. In fact, I plan on attempting the daily challenges using only my iPhone just to see what happens.

The Twitter/Instagram hashtag is #TDPC if you’re sharing photos or following along there.

Can’t wait to see everyone’s photographs!

Two places to call home

Posted on December 16, 2011 by admin

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde

I’ll be honest. I kind of fretted over this Charlie Brown-sized Christmas tree. I fret over a lot of things these days – some warranted, but most things not so much. In all honestly, this little three-and-a-half-foot tree was what the boys wanted. It’s what they picked out. They were proud that they could pick it up themselves. (“See?! I can lift it!” Followed immediately by demonstrating their ability to throw it too.)

Well, okay. If that’s what they really wanted.

Truthfully, it would be easier for me too. It would fit better in the apartment, it would be easier to keep from falling and it would be easier to haul out to the trash the day after. So we bought it. They decorated it in two minutes flat. One box of lights was enough to light it up. And, embarrassingly, it wouldn’t take eight thousand gifts beneath it to make it look like the Christmases they are used to. “You know, when you guys weren’t divorced and everything was still normal” as they often reference.

It stings.

For the first time since the separation my youngest screamed and cried to go to his dad’s house instead of stay with me. Arms straight out, crying for his dad not to leave him, me trying to put him back in his bed and not be completely broken right then, right there in front of him, so incredibly hurt as his father reassured him that he would get to come ‘home’ in two days.

But this is his home too, I thought. This apartment, a fucking nice apartment at that, is his home too. They have beds and books and toys and clothes and everything they need here. They live here too.

After finally getting him settled down and asleep I padded back out to the living room, feeling completely shattered, only to see that little Christmas tree still cheerfully lit. I wanted to throw it away. Just pick it up and throw it as far as I could. I shook my head, the lights blurring. Was it just an apartment-sized Christmas tree and not a home-sized one? Is that why the boys wanted a little one? Because they would have a ‘real’ one at ‘home?’ I yanked the plug from the wall and the lights went dim.

A day or two later I came across a quote I’d seen years ago about not worrying about the size of your Christmas tree because in the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. I looked back at the photos I took of them choosing their tree. They were so proud to pick out that tree; it was all theirs to decorate and do as they pleased with it. And I realized that this apartment is no different. It might not be where they started out their childhood, but it’s where they’re also growing up and it is their home. It’s theirs to live in and play in. They got to help pick it out and decorate it and make it their own too. And it’s just going to take a little while for them to see how lucky they are to have two places to call home.

Friends with Benefits – The real life ending

Posted on December 13, 2011 by admin

Did you see the movie Friends with Benefits? (It’s the one with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, not to be confused with the very similar movie No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman – a That 70s Show one-up-man-ship of movies with almost identical plots. To save you time, I will say that in my opinion, FWB clearly outshines NSA in humor, setting and helllllo! MILA KUNIS! Can you say girl crush? Rawrrrr!) This is where I should be like “Hey! Spoiler alert if you haven’t already seen FWB,” but honestly, if you can’t guess how this movie ends, well, REALLY?

I loved FWB. It was funny, it was set in Manhattan and you wanted to be Mila’s character, Jamie – strong, I-don’t-need-no-man attitude, successful, sexy and able to effectively manage a friends with benefits scenario and without coming off slutty. The chemistry between Mila and Justin was intense and the no bullshit beauty of “Jamie” and “Dylan’s” arrangement would have any audience convinced that a friends with benefits situation just may be worth a shot in real life.

It was like for once the producers got it right.

Except. Oh wait. No they didn’t.

Because what’s a perfect Yes! This! movie without a Hollywood ending that immediately ruins everything that had you nodding in agreement before it? Where I was once hallelujah-ing and amen-ing, I was suddenly what-the-fucking and scrunching up my nose and shaking my damn head. Seriously? The cheesiest of all Oh-My-God-I-Really-Do-Love-You-After-All endings was before me.

Ugh.

Dear Hollywood,

For once, get it right. Don’t give us the ending we’re rooting for; the ending we wish we could have. Give us the ending we know too well. The ending we can expect. The only reason we hope for these bullshit Grand Central embraces and firework explosions is because YOU make us think it happens that way. And not just sometimes, but every time. Just one time, show us a friends with benefits scenario where the girl starts to have feelings for the guy and he freaks because, uh, that was never the deal. Or where a guy and girl are BFFs, that’s all, and suddenly the guy has feelings for the girl and she doesn’t feel the same and it makes her back off. Sure, you’re in the MOVIE business. But that’s LIFE. And? It’s never being accurately portrayed on the big screen. Hell, call it a documentary if you want.

Love,
Me

‘Cause here’s the deal. Ever since I saw FWB I’ve interrogated my friends in their various life scenarios (married, single, divorced, everywhere in-between) about it – the whole idea of a friends with benefits scenario leading up to that damned perfect ending… and you know what? We call bullshit. Because when is that ever the ending? That’s the dream.

You want to know why ‘casual’ has a ridiculously amazing fail rate? Here it is: Because 90 percent of girls, 90 percent of the time, are only willing to sleep with a guy they have at least some sort of feelings for. Maybe it’s just an initial attraction. Maybe it’s things in common. Whatever. And for most women, sex has intimacy ties. Therefore, thereby, howto, forego, those slight feelings for Mr. Casual are only going to be amplified when you bring sex into the equation. [Sure, I'm making up the percentages, but trust me, they're not that far off.]

Now scientists, researchers, every day women have long surmised that men, on the other hand, are better at compartmentalizing things in their brain. Sex can just be sex without co-mingling those damned emotions. So when a guy says ‘just sex’ he actually means it. A woman may want to mean it but can’t always help but feel more. [We don't compartmentalize; we tangle everything together. If you bought us a dress and it's too big it's because you think we're fat because the other night you turned the lights off before coming to bed to have sex doggy-style so you didn't have to look at our face. See?]

So guess which sex ends up feeling burned in the end? Yeah.

Wake up, Hollywood. Not every romantic comedy should end Happily Ever After. That’s what fairy tales are for.

I believe in ____________.

Posted on December 11, 2011 by admin

What do you believe in? From the religious to the silly, to the must-have’s and the oh-please’s… Simplified, significant, sweet or straight-forward… Finish the sentence in the comments. And you can answer as many times as you want.

I believe in __________________.

I’ll go first.

I believe in love. Still.

I believe in the importance of amazing friends.

I believe in good coffee.

I believe in the power of telling a story through a photograph.

I believe in making wishes.

Your turn.

Letting go of what could have been

Posted on December 9, 2011 by admin

It took a while but I finally put all those things away. The things that reminded me of him. Of us. I put them in a box and inched it up on a shelf, standing barefooted and on tip-toes, pushing the memories of him and I up out of reach; finally out of sight from every day glances.

I should have thrown them away – those little nothings that I still hold onto – rather than put them somewhere for me to stumble upon on some unsuspecting day. But something about them – something about him – keeps me hostage and I find myself hanging on still.

I can’t seem to let go of what could have been; the proof in that box up in the closet – rather than the dumpster – and I make a promise to myself that I won’t sift through the sadness and buy into the blissfully blind beginnings that are captured in there but instead learn from them. They are tangible pieces of a time that was never real – as though I’d dreamt of the sea only to wake up smelling of the ocean; a mirage so vivid that on some days I still can’t discern whether it ever actually happened or not.

Where pictures of Then were once pinned against the wall, new squared photographs of memories with no bitter aftertastes now stare back at me from behind my computer; symbolic four-by-four inch infomercials promising happier outcomes are possible! But I shrug at them dejectedly. Gorgeous sunsets and significant places, my favorite things in snapshots, and my face falls, defeated. Because it’s not the same. It’s not then. It’s not there. It’s not him. It’s not now.

It’s over.

Undomestic Diva

Doin' the best I can… When I feel like it

30 day photography challenge {photos – week two}

30 day photography challenge {photos – week one}

Happy Holidays…ish

30 day photography challenge

I believe in ____________.